matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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