Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i dont even know how to be here
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
40s are totally the cure
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
