When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
