you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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