I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Someone came in the potted fern
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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