I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
