i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
