What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
