Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
