I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
