I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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