When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
