I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
