Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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