hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
