It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
