I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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