I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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