You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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