Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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