I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
