we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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