My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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