Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
