so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
