eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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