After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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