i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
