there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
