Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
