I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just pee around me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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