the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
