It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
