Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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