I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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