Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
