I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
that is very illegal...i love you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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