I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
