Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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