Do you still have your period?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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