This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
