And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
