i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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