she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
