Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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