Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
