I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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