I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
