I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
