we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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