just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
