Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
